History Porn

This is a painting from 1887 by Henryk Siemiradzki entitled Choosing Between the Slave Girl and the Precious Vase:

The title, along with the fact that it is set in the era of Ancient Rome, should pretty much explain it… I love the expression of the bearded “salesman” in the middle.

Speaking of Ancient Rome… in an otherwise totally un-related way…

Dan Carlin, whose libertarian Common Sense podcast is linked on the right side of this here esteemed porn blog, has finally finished the last episode in his epic series on the fall of the Roman Republic.

It’s the sixth episode in the series. While the previous ones have clocked in at about 90 minutes, as is typical for Hardcore History episodes, this one is five-and-a-half hours long!!!

It’s a massive undertaking. I imagine that history fans everywhere have been eagerly anticipating it. I haven’t listened to it yet, since it just came out a few hours ago and I need to get a little high first… but I fully expect it to be the best episode of what is IMHO the best podcast ever. The summary is tantalizing:

In a massive finish to the “Dan Carlin version” of the fall of the Roman Republic, conspiracies, civil wars, beatniks of antiquity and a guy named Caesar figure prominently. Virtually everyone dies.

This is one of my favorite images from the Ancient World:

That’s Jupiter there on the throne… or “Zeus” to all you Percy Jackson fanboiz… but if you are a Percy Jackson fanboi then you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog and should head over to 4chan or someplace like that where they cater to young fanboiz and perverted old men.

But I digress. Check out Jupiter’s huge chest… Wow! That’s a cocaine-chest right there. And notice how Jupiter’s look and posture communicate the utmost mental and physical strength. You piss him off or mistake his wife for Ellen Page and he’ll coolly hurl a deadly thunderbolt at you… there ain’t gonna be no messin’ with Jupiter in THIS universe.

Dude-God is even leaning his left arm on a fucking cloud! How awesome is that?!

Most of all, though, Jupiter is unfazed by the young nymph supplicating herself, half-naked, in front of him. He’s the God, ya’ know, and the fate of the world and all the people and creatures in it is in his hands. Thetis can stroke his beard all she wants, but that ain’t gonna alter his inner fortitude one bit.

J.-A.-D. Ingres, who liked Da Chubbies

Of course, this image itself does not actually come from the Ancient World. It was painted in 1811 by the French artist Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres.

Ingres lived a long and prolific life. His work reflects a romantic view of classical antiquity and eroticism. For instance, there’s this painting called The Source. It leads you to wonder what exactly he means with the title “the source”. The source… for what, exactly? For water? Or for something else?

Like his contemporary Peter Fendi, Ingres lusted for chubby girls too. In fact, one of his most well-known and carefully-made works is this one:

It’s called Le Bain Turc– The Turkish Bath. He completed it at the age of 82 and put his age in Roman numerals next to his signature to let the world know that he still had his mojo. A whole harem of chubby girls and a declaration of sexual prowess is fucking impressive for an octogenarian. Ingres don’t need no Viagra, beyatch!!!

If you are really crazy about this painting, you can download this 79MB version of it. You might want to download it to a file and then view it in an image viewer rather than your browser, tho’… some browsers can’t handle that many chubbies at that high of a resolution.

…in Ancient Babylon?

Well, it was very simple. You just went to the wife market!

Here’s how British painter Edwin Long depicted it in his 1875 work:

Long took great pains to make his representation as accurate as possible. He provided “a meticulous reconstruction of the customs, architecture, decor and costume of a past civilization”, according to the current owners of the work.

Note the obvious enthusiasm of the auctioneer on the left. And take a look at his cohort who is showing off the woman’s “assets” so that she’ll fetch the best possible price.

The competing bidders certainly look smitten, don’t they? Dude with the long black beard is looking all like “hand me my checkbook man, I’ve gotta buy this bitch and bring her back to my hut so I can fuck her while she calls me Sargon”… or something like that.

The women should cheer up. Why so gloomy, girls? They’re probably just bitter that they weren’t the first girl chosen to be put on the block– the auctioneer started with the most beautiful and worked his way down from there. Women can be petty like that.

History Lesson Continues After The Jump…

That’s the title of this painting by Paul Jamin from 1893:

History Porn Lesson After The Jump…

Or, What To Get The Woman Who Has Everything (So She Doesn’t Kill You Out Of Revenge):

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This is from the HBO series Rome. It came out a few years ago but I just got it on DVD recently. It was visually spectacular and totally engrossing. Not so historically accurate, though.

Hey! It was Abe Lincoln’s 200th birthday yesterday. Ann Althouse says he was “our greatest president”. Samizdata concurs with a link to this post about the man… too long for me to read tho’… I’ll take their word for it…

Bet you didn’t know this about Lincoln: He was a real scrounger for the chubbies! Man, he loved his fat girls! At one point he was so infatuated with this Chicago whoregirl, and she had these gigantic G-size tits, and he was fucking her in secret while states were seceding left and right… and he looked at her chest just as he was getting close to cumming… and this incredible super-lusty feeling came over him like the breath of the Sex God… and suddenly he exclaimed “There it is! The lamp of liberty burning there in your bosom! Now there… OH! OH! shall no longer be… OH! OH!… any doubt that… OH! GOD!… I’m going to… all men are created free and… EQUAL! OOHHHH GODDDD!”