The first step in solving your lack-of-blog-updates problem is admitting you have a problem. So I admit it: I have a problem.

The second step is editing your link list to get rid of the schlockos who are worse at updating that you are.

I’m keeping Althouse at the top. Although she is a cranky nasty Rightist herding an angry Republican commenting mob, she does make more sense than anyone else out there in the blogosphere. Her smiling face and lovely lawyer words convinced me to vote for Obama back in 2008. I was tricked – again! – by a sweet-talking MILF; I shouldda gone with Bob Barr.

I added Vajazzle Boy and The Spearhead and Roissy.

Adding Roissy was a tough call. I like some of his ideas, but his endless – and seemingly mindless – pursuit of poontang gets a little tiring. He needs a little God and Death in his life.

I was gonna delete Samizdata. But I visited their site just to be sure about it, and there I found this eminently practical advice for dealing with climate change:

I don’t agree with the assertion about overpopulation. I think the greater human capability provided by a larger population is more beneficial than the environmental tax on the planet. Yay Ayn Rand!

Plus, more population means more horny people to sell porn to.

But I agree – wholeheartedly! – with the tone. If someone were to create a Fuck You Party in American politics, I’d become one of the first card-carrying members.

So Samizadata stays.

After I post some actual porn later today, I’m gonna go through the list of porn sites. If any of you dear readers want to suggest a site to add, please e-mail me or leave a comment here. Fresh meat is always welcome.

Skills like this come in handy. The fistee, on the right, will provide plenty of sexual excitement for you with her well-stretched-out pussy. She can probably even carry stuff around in there for you when you go out together.

As for the girl on the left… the fister: If you ever need to retrieve some loose change from deep in your sofa, I’m sure she’ll be able to get it for ‘ya.

Teach Me Fisting

For now, though, we need some good porn here. No better place to start than with our favorite French porn site, Explicite-Art.

We’ll start out with Eve & Anais. Eve– on the right– has that look and I find it irresistible, while Anais has… well… she’s got a big nose. I like girls with big noses.

Next is Anais showing off her pooch. No, she doesn’t fuck the doggy– that would be bestiality and we don’t do that here!

Lea is one of the new Explicite-Art girls; here’s a triple shot of her lusciousness (and, with regard to the third gallery, her juicy-ness):

If you don’t like Lea then we have other new girls for ‘ya too:

These next two– Daria & Lola– are da shezbangz…. I could wank to this photo in particular all day long.

And we’ll finish this collection off with four galleries that show what consummate professionals these French hardcore art porn producers are. From anal-fisting to cum-shottery to choke-fucking, they do it all and they do it all well!

Explicite-Art

I still don’t know anything else about what particular Apple Store I’m in. I tried to ask one of the Apple-shirted dudes but he just laughed at me. Maybe he no speakie the Engrish?

There are certainly lots of foreigners around! Some of them have got backpacks on; some look like they’ve been sitting in front of these Macs for hours. Is this some sort of Apple Store cum Internet Cafe… without the coffee?

Maybe I’m in Prague? I always thought if one were to exit the Underworld through the door marked “EXIT” then one would end up in Prague.

Anyway… Foreigners are cool! Sometimes they’re sideways but you’ve still gotta appreciate the way they often cut through the bullshit:

Four months is pretty fucking bad. Not as bad as Lex Konrad, who has gone almost a year without posting anything except a giant stone baby head, but still bad…

I’ve got an idea! How about I give you a gratuitous shaved naked gun-toting midget and we call it even? Sound good?

Here ‘ya go:

Now down to business…

Where the hell am I? I came through the door marked “EXIT” and into this place that sorta looks like some sort of strange internet cafe. Lots of people speaking foreign languages. A glass-enclosed staircase in the middle of the room. My eyes are still adjusting.

Coffee please!!! Where do they serve the coffee? I’ve spent four months in the fucking Underworld– I need a fucking cup of coffee!!

What?! No coffee bar?! Just a Genuis Bar?! What the fuck?!

OMG! I just came out of the Underworld and into…

Such films have long been a staple of law enforcement propaganda. Gotta ban all pornography because of them! Gotta fight porn’s terrible spread because, you know, it’s one small tiny step from browsing MET-ART to becoming a producer of the latest and greatest snuff flick.

A snuff film even featured as the main plot point in the 1979 Hollywood film Hardcore. In that, Geroge C. Scott plays a Midwestern businessman who heads to San Fransisco to rescue his daughter from the clutches of a demonic snuff porn business. Here’s the trailer:

Apparently, the more recent film 8MM is “inspired by” (i.e. it’s a rip-off of) Hardcore, also having a plot that centers around a snuff film.

But as the esteemed sex doctor Marty Klein points out, snuff films probably don’t exist. He hasn’t seen one. And he doesn’t know anyone who has seen one. And he doesn’t know anyone who knows anyone who has seen one. And he’s a fucking well-connected guy!!!

So snuff films are likely just the product of legend and of fear and of Hollywood screenwriting and of dishonest politically-motivated fabrication.

Maybe the reason for this is that we human beings don’t actually like the idea of killing other people. Maybe we find it universally awful at the most basic visceral level. And maybe this disgust with killing is something that is shared by all humans, even by those godless gay-loving pot-smoking heathens from California. Maybe those people with “San Fransisco values” have some morals after all, and maybe they’re not subhuman like we good god-fearing Haliburton stockholders have been saying all these years.

Maybe the only way to get a person to enjoy killing is through political warmongering and the associated collectivist brainwashing. Maybe snuff films don’t exist, but an atmosphere encouraging sadistic violence in the name of the political leadership of the day does.

From our friends at Watch4Beauty:

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The extended clip is courtesy of our friends at DP Fanatics.

Isabel, Isabel… You are just the type of girl I wanted to fuck when I was in high school. Too bad I was such an introverted geek then. I should have become a hedonist when I was 18 instead of waiting until my early 30s. Oh well… I can still get in touch with my long-repressed inner horny teenager by oogling at your porn site.

Perhaps my dear readers would like to come along on this erotic journey of the mind. Yes, your site is called I’m Isabel and you are Isabel. We got that. And you are 18 years old and legal. That’s good. Necessary, in fact. And now… well, now I’ll just let my readers take this in whatever direction they want to take it…

A digression: I’m running this blog now and you should know that I’m a bit of a history nut. My co-blogger Sherman McCoy isn’t so current with what happened in the past. In fact, Sherman seems to think that “ancient history” is the archive section at ATK Galleria. But Sherman is dead now. He himself is part of the wind of the history, blowing blowing away in gusts of Tomorrow.

The best history topic of all is Ancient Rome. Gawd, you’ve gotta love the Romans… they were ruthless, bureaucratic, and highly sexual just like everyone was in the Ancient world, and they were the bosses of bosses for a very long time. Most importantly, they documented all their adventures in writing more than anyone else did, with the possible exception of the Greeks. But the Greeks didn’t really do much after the Macedonian Wars except for obediently paying their taxes to Rome. The Greeks just spent their time pondering philosophy, eating olives, and fucking.

If you are interested in learning more about Ancient Rome, the finest presentation that I’ve ever seen– or heard– is going on right now. It’s a podcast called The History of Rome. A dude named Mike does the podcast. He’s more laid back than the hardcore historian Dan Carlin, but he is also dealing with a story that is so action-packed that he doesn’t need to inject additional excitement of his own.

Anyway, back to the image…

That’s Brennus on the left. He just sacked the impenetrable city of Rome in 390 BC.

The Romans would remember the sacking of their city with a grudge for the next eight or nine centuries. They would go all neocon on the whole world to try to ensure that it never happened again, eventually dominating everyone from Britain to Egypt. Veni, vidi, vici became the Roman attitude. Of course, the overrun of Rome did end up happening again, but that’s a different story…

You need to understand what “sacking” a city meant. It meant that the city is completely conquered; there are no limits to what happens next.

Brennus and his cohorts are entitled to take everything. Gold. Women. More gold. More women. They can go and kill all the men they want. And then take their women. Those that they don’t kill can be made into slaves, and an important aspect of slavery in the ancient world was the sexual servitude it entailed.

Actually, there were a few traditional limits on the taking and the killing that would come into play if the occupants surrendered immediately without fighting, but even these limits were sometimes ignored, resulting in the total slaughter of whole cities that never raised any arms in defense. Nontheless, the Romans were fighting back in self-defense here, and they lost.

So Brennus, as leader of the conquerors, arrives to gather his spoils. Does he want gold? Well, there’s very little gold in the painting. Women, though… now that’s another story! The four naked women, two of whom are already bound, as well as the extra half-naked one, are all his spoils… probably about to become his slaves… his sexual slaves… for the rest of their lives.

If that’s not B.D.S.M. then I don’t know what is!

The remaining Roman survivors, holed up on the Capitoline Hill for an eventual period of seven months, negotiated for Brennus to leave them alone. Their city was devastated and all they wanted was for the sacker and his thugs to depart. So they offered to pay him. They offered to pay him one thousand pounds of gold.

The offer accepted, Brennus and his men packed up their new-found slaves and gathered their new possessions and watched as the defeated Romans piled up even more gold in front of them. There was a dispute about the weights; the Romans, ever bureaucratic sticklers, objected that Brennus had brought his own weights for measuring, and those weights were heavier than the usual Roman pound.

Brennus brushed off their complaints.

Then he took his heavy sword and threw it on the scale, thus demanding that additional gold be provided.

“Vae victis!”, he exclaimed.

Woe to the vanquished!

From our friends at X-Art:

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After she has taken to 8-Bit Boy’s nipples like they were the last piece of sushi left on earth, the other shaved girl walks in. They exchange some words and then the real luscious girl-girl stuff begins.

8-Bit Boy just lays there on the floor for the rest of the clip, probably paralyzed by the fear that Uma Thurman is gonna bust through the wall and start chopping off body parts with her Hattori Hanzo sword.

Oh, what the hell do I know! I don’t speak Japanese! It’s still hot even if you have no idea what the girls are saying.

The 11-minute video comes to us from our friends at the esteemed Japanese site G-QUEEN.

Just so we are all clear what we are taking about.

If you want to hear the best commentary there is on politics in America, you should check out the Common Sense podcast by Dan Carlin. It’s marvelously thought-provoking stuff.

Really, it’s everything you need to wash all that purity away. Enjoy!

This post comes straight from the Gods!

New model Caesaria– isn’t that the perfect name?– is photographed by Rylsky for MET-ART.

When you click each image, it will unfold in front of you in glorious high-resolution… Enjoy!

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This one is my favorite. It’s a completely post-modern fashion design:

Of course this sort of bikini isn’t going to work with just any girl. You certainly wouldn’t want to see your grandma in one of these. Or perhaps you would– but that would be another topic for another day on another porn blog.

This next one is an excellent pairing of girl with bikini. She looks like she’s ready to burst out of it:

Here’s one that seems to be much more functional:

You could call this next one the anti-bikini. Instead of covering the parts that a bikini is usually supposed to cover, it highlights them in pearls:

This sort of thing is bound to attract the attention of onlookers, like the dude in the yellow shirt here:

Finally we have this bow-tie-inspired bikini. And I think it works just great! Of course having gorgeous redhead Ariel to model it doesn’t hurt…

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That’s by Herr Butcha, and comes to us via our friends at Into The Attic.

What do our friends at Into The Attic do all day? This. It’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it.

New link added: FUCK YEAH DYKES. Dykes are really fucking hot. Check it out!

Another new link added, via the first: Las Vegas Style Lesiblog. And she’s a pothead too– bonus points for that!

Jon & Kate Gosselin are coming to porn!!!: Jon & Kate Fuck Eight

Here’s a Catholic prayer to be said before fucking.

Let’s get serious now: Dr. Marty Klein shows us how self-help sex books can cause more problems than they solve.

And on one more ultra-serious note, I apologize for my very wound-up 9/11 post. It was completely inappropriate. After all, so many Americans were spending the day in thoughtful reverence. It was no time for sarcasm.

Okay then… How about some gallery links? Perhaps something to help you wash that image of Bondage Chicken Necrophilia out of your mind? Here ‘ya go:

Like this little love muffin (11 minute video):

Her name is Lisa and she’s photographed by Vadim Rigin in her first shoot for MET Models.

She might not be a real blonde. Usually we have an additional avenue available to research the question of natural hair color, but that ain’t gonna work here!

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These two Abby Winters girls are Silvie and Zasha. They’re a little bit darker in complexion than the usual Abby Winters amateur Australian fare… but that’s alright with you, isn’t it?

After all, some white meat and some dark meat are both part of a balanced porno diet.

As with all the other girls on the Abby Winters sites, these two are totally natural amateurs, not pornstars. The pleasure that they share with one another is completely real.

And they aren’t the most experienced “lesbian” lovers in the world. In fact, they seem to be more like young open-minded Explorers of the Muff rather than bona fide lesbians.

Tour Abby Winters Girl-Girl >>
Join Abby Witners >>

BONUS!

You are probably keen on these amateur girls if you’ve made it this far. If that’s so, you’ll probably also like this video– it’s an extended clip from the shoot.

A word of warning, though: The action is slow. Keep in mind that this is 100% real amateur girl lovemaking. It’s not faked, and that’s why it proceeds more slowly and intimately than your typical porn video.

Usually, porn goes all-out from the get-go with artificial enthusiasm and dramatic moaning and all sorts of stuff like that. But in this video there’s nothing but two girls really getting into one another (literally!) at their own pace.

If you are patient, though, you might find this to be incredibly hot because the action unfolds in a realistic way. Enjoy!

More Abby Winters >>

Prior to this day eight years ago, we had troubles concerning morality in this country. We thought that corruption and lies and political doublespeak were generally bad things. But thankfully all those unnecessary trivialities got swept away when we pulled ourselves together and decided we needed to “protect the country”. No we have no more moral qualms. No ethical issues really bother us anymore. What a relief!

For instance: Eight years ago, a politician like Mike Duvall might have had to actually apologize for his “family values” hypocrisy after it was found that he was cheating on his wife, and then cheating in turn on his mistress with another mistress who was a lobbyist with business before his committee, and then bragging about how his mistress liked to be spanked to a fellow California Assemblyman during a legislative session. But no more! Now, while the country is consumed with protecting itself, Mike “Family Values” Duvall can just let us know that this is a personal issue and that we ought to respect the privacy of everybody involved.

After all, you open your mouth too much, protest too much, and you just might be a terrorist too! Even though you are American citizen, you can still be held without charges in a small cell that’s brightly lit 24/7 for 16 days, and then released only under dehumanizing conditions, and then touted as a “terrorist” by the highest levels of the political establishment– all without the government having the excessive burden of ever going to court to present its case against you! And best of all, the Messiah Obama is totally okay with all of this! What a great fucking country!

Eight years ago, the only porn I liked was soft porn. I thought Penthouse was edgy, and I thought B.D.S.M. was the name of the investment bank where my dead co-blogger Sherman worked. But then the First Great Leader of our country told us that it was our patriotic duty to support torture. The Christian leadership also told us good Christians that it was our religious duty to support torture. The media like the beloved National Review told us that it was absolutely immoral to not support torture! So I read George Orwell’s 1984 and watched the movie Brazil and got totally turned on. And I just went from there…

Now I eagerly anticipate every new Elite Pain video and fantasize about the opportunity to do those sorts of things to those Allah-worshiping oil-hogging bitches! Give me a whip and a cattle prod and some pork sandwiches and send me to the women’s section at Gitmo! He-haw!

And yes, all those people died in New York and Washington and in Pennsylvania. But it was a small price to pay for securing the right for Mike Duvell to fuck lobbyists and be a gay-basher at the same time! And it is a small price to pay for showing every single American the delight of torture! Ah, beautiful beautiful torture! How I love thee!

Viva Dick Cheney! Viva Geroge Bush! Viva the New Messiah!

And happy 9/11 to you, dear reader! Happy 9/11!

Lots of photos in this post as she gets some dildo assistance from her big-titted FTV girlfriend:

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Is that rude?

If you don’t think it’s rude yet, just wait until they get out the power-fucking device toward the end of the clip…

Here’s the first half (17 minutes) of the scene:

Maybe you think this is a good thing. Maybe you think this is a bad thing. Or maybe you are caustically indifferent and you just look forward to watching the real-life downfall play out like a dramatic TV series.

At least there’s porn. Even if you don’t care about the country, you can still care about porn. And pot– you can care about pot too.

This is from the HBO series Rome. It came out a few years ago but I just got it on DVD recently. It was visually spectacular and totally engrossing. Not so historically accurate, though.